If I could just shut my brain off I would probably be a lot happier. I know worrying doesn't change the outcome, but it doesn't make it any easier. When I found out I wouldn't be able to have kids naturally (with a bottle of Martinellis and a box of chocolates), I was crushed. I cried for three days knowing that whatever road we would take to get kids would be a long one.
Timmy and I will be married 6 years this year. We have got to know each other inside and out. We have got to see each other grow in all aspects of our lives, and have seen each other through the good and the bad. We have never been so ready to have kids. We have traveled around the country and have done everything we have ever wanted to do. We have both graduated with our Bachelors degrees, have careers, own a house, and own three vehicles. A few years ago we even bought a dog because the kid process was taking a little too long.
I don't really know why I am writing this I guess I am just trying to convince myself that I will be a good mother, maybe I am trying to convince God that I would be a good mother. Timmy and I went to the temple the other day looking for answers the only thing I felt was claustrophobic. I have never wanted something to work out so bad in my life. I am so worried about this baby that I am carrying. I want him to live, be strong and healthy, and I want to be able to be his mom here on earth and to be able to take care of him. I want sleepless nights, a messy house, and snotty kisses; I want someone to call me mommy.
I guess I just need time to heal and more time to become a mom.
"In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil, and you must never forget that. When disppointment and discouragement strike-and they will-you remember and never forget that if our eyes could be opened we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see riding at reckless speed to come to our protection [see 2 Kgs. 6:6-17]. They will always be there, these armies of heaven, in defense of Abraham's seed. --Jeffrey R. Holland
5 comments:
I know there are no words I can say to help you feel better. But I KNOW you and Timmy will be the absolute best parents ever. Your kids will be so blessed to have you - and you will be blessed to have them. We pray for you guys and your baby boy every day and think about you all the time. Take each day at a time. and you will make it. :) Love you guys and we send SO much love your way.
I'm so sorry. I cannot even begin to know how you feel. I wish there was something I could do. Some way everything will work out the way it should. If I have learned anything through our trials, I know that the Lord knows exactly what you need. He knows you and will take care of you both. Again I am sorry. You will be in our prayers.
Oh Trini, I'm hurting for you so much right now. You are amazing, and I can't even image what you're going through. I know that you are and will be a wonderful mother. You have already done so much for your babies. I am praying like crazy that your little guy grows big and strong. Please, please call me if there is something I can do. Anything. Love you!
I absolutely love that quote you shared. I needed that today! Still praying and hoping the best for you guys.
Wow! That was beautiful. I haven't been through the same trials, but as Dan and I have been trying to have children the past couple of years, I have felt many of the same feelings you have. Although I am still mid IVF process, I have the same fears you do. Love you guys! I will continue to think and pray for you.
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