Tuesday, January 6, 2015

baby blues

THe passed few months have been very different than what I was wanting them to turn out like. After surgery in Sept we we nt through with a FET. Everything went well, medications, labs, doctors appointments and then a positive pregnancy. We went in for our first ultrasound the baby looked great and had a perfect sac. I was 7.4 weeks. The first problemishes was the baby w as measuring small, 6.2. They couldn't find a heartbeat so they had a wait and use a nicer ultrasound machine. There was a heartbeat, but it was beating very slow, hr of 53. We were instructed to continue the medication and then come back in a week to confirm viability. Waiting that week was difficult, knowing my chances of the babies survival were not good. During that week we celebrated my 29th birthday, I hope my 30th is much better. My sweet honey, did take me to dinner and a movie. Anything to keep my mind of the baby was helpful. We went in the following week and the baby had passed away. Things have been difficult none the less, more appointments, surgery and now finally 2 months later I am finally feeling myself again. My body does not do well dropping hormone levels, I have terrible thoughts, and am in a very dark place in my life. We have 1 frozen embryo left, but will most likely have to harvest more before going on, as well as have some genetic counseling, and save some serious cash.
The whole thing about all of this is, I can't stop thinking about this. It consumes my life. Yes; I work, am a wife, a mother, cook, clean and whatever else, but it is always in the back of my mind. It consumes my thoughts with continuous questions about what I can do to get a baby. I look up adoption processses, talk to people, think of ways to make more money, think of things that might be preventing me from carrying a baby, things I can try to increase my chances, look up serrogucy. None of these things get me anywhere. I dream about having babies and things going wrong or dream of people giving me babies that I just love. I feel as though the universe is making my decision of being done having children although every other mother in the world decides herself when she is done. I am meant to have children, I love them, want them and adore them. I have always been drawn to teaching kids, I get along with kids better than adults, and have always been I. Primary, nursery and teaching them in the pool, I deliver them to this world and help them survive their most vulnerable few days on this earth. I deserve to have more and feel I am always trying to convince the Lord that it's a good idea to send me more, and then my heart breaks wondering if this is not his plan. My patriarchal blessing says differently but I am getting older and older and we are running short of money and time. I still have hope and owen, and that is what keeps me going. I wish for one day i could not worry about this burden.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Happy Fall

We are coming to the end of Sept, and it always amazes me when I look back on these blogs, and realize that I haven't written in them for months. The last time I wrote I think I was having a bad day... :) This post will be much more positive and happy. I guess things haven't really changed all that much, I guess I have just been finding things to do and we haven't been just sitting around. I think I have def kept my promise from my last blog. We have been getting out of the house more and that makes me happy. For a while there I was exercising a lot. about 5 x a week for an hour each, and following a meal plan. I lost 7 pounds and 10 inches total. I was doing really good until I stopped the boot camps, haha. I will get back on that band wagon soon, cause I def had more energy (but was a diff kind of tired at the same time).

We celebrated Owens 2 birthday, and he had a puppy party. We had lots of Timmys' family here and we had mexican food (one of Owens favs), they got to play with cars, eat cake, and adopts a puppy. He got lots of fun toys (a motorcycle, a bike, legos, a kitchen, some books and some clothes). He has been such a fun, busy, messy boy to have around our house. He loves figuring things out himself, and has a little temper too. When he gets mad, he tries to push things over that are in his way or hit something close by. He is a diaper hoodini and will not leave his diaper on. We tried potty training but ended up stopping because we kept going out of town, we will try again soon.

We celebrated our 8 anniversary, which is crazy to me because it doesn't feel like that long at all. I sure do love my honey... He is the most patient person with me and Owen, is a hard worker, takes care of us, is gentle and kind, loves helping others, will put everything on hold if asked to do something, is a great teacher, helps around the house, cooks, builds things for me, is a handyman around the house and with cars, is a good looking guy (sexy), and I could go on forever. I think I picked the right guy. We were lucky and got to celebrate our anniversary in Brian Head this year. We stayed in the Brian Head Lodge; it was a great room, and so much fun. I wasn't able to do too much because I just had polyps removed from my uterus but we had a good time regardless. I am glad we really got to celebrate this time.

We also ran a 5k for Pound The Pavement for Parenthood and won a 50% In-Vetro, from Utah Fertility Center. This will be awesome, so when we decide to do In-Vetro again we will only have to pay $8,500 instead of $15,000. I am so grateful for everyone who bought a raffle ticket. Now we can have the 8 kids I have always wanted (HAHAHA!!) I don't think TImmy would ever go for that, but now maybe we can at least have 4.

We both continue to work, but just started an awesome budget that is going to help us so much!! Finally, over all these years we finally came up with something that we are actually sticking too and following through with (well for one month anyway). My spending habits are finally in control (because believe me they were def out of control). Sometimes we have awesome dinners (like beans and franks), but hey whatever works right??

The next projects I am taking on are two food family blogs, one for the Smith family and one for the Ferwerda family. It will be fun to start these but also keep me busy.

Hopefully I won't let too many months pass before I blog again, but just in case, Happy Holidays!!

Monday, February 17, 2014

Feeling crazy

Do you ever feel like your crazy?? I mean literally. You talk to yourself during the day, you feel like you could just run and run and run but you are too tired emotionally, that you just can't do it? I take it back, you can't run because you are tired physically too. You wanna change up your schedule but you are so bored with yourself that you just can't do it; even when you get a little surge of energy and you do switch it up it is still not exciting. Wow.... Doesn't my life sound great?? Actually it should be. I should be much more excited about my life. I am healthy, my baby is healthy and my hubby is healthy. We both have great jobs, we love each other, and we have a great house that we are in the process of buying. I have had a few visitors and that has been great, honestly I think I get lonely. I have no friends and Owen and I pretty much hang out at home all day. About 4 times a week we make it to the park but it is usually just us. When Timmy gets home he is too tired to do anything and we usually just watch tv. I think my goal is going to be that we need to do something new at least once a week. I work about 6 times a month, which is perfect and sometimes a saving grace, it's about the only other adult interaction that I get. One of these days in the near future I would love to take a vacation. I haven't been on a real vacation in almost two years, and I was 5 weeks pregnant. I told Timmy that one of these days I am just going to buy a plane ticket and take the little guy with me, I should probably give him an ultimatum, I mean I am going stir crazy here. Well, I think that is enough of my ramblings.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

What happens in Vegas

I am sitting here at work and contemplating my life. If you were to tell me 3 years ago I would be in Vegas, working as a Postpartum nurse per diem, and have one baby, I would tell you that you were crazy. I wish I was only working once a week, I would love to have more than one baby and Vegas is not ideal. Things however are always looking up. I love my life, it is just very different than what I thought it would be. I am still very much in love with my husband, I love my little munchkin (who is crazy and starting to talk). We are finally paying off all out medical bills and starting to get ahead financially.
Since we have been in Vegas, I have rolled into a car, a car hit my car and drive off about a block from home. The worst thing that has happened so far is out neighbor got shot. Right before Halloween. I heard some whimpering around 2:50 in the am, I thought it was Owen and figured he needed to cry it out. Then a few min later I heard a thud. Then someone started banging on out garage door, front door and ringing the door bell, yelling help me!!! It scared me so bad and I told Timmy to not answer the door and call 911. I ran to the front of the house and saw some women getting into her car. As the cops showed up Timmy opened the door and there was blood all over our porch. Crazy!! That would never happen in St. George, well at least not where we were. Vegas has definitely been a change but we are getting used to it.
We started building a home and it was almost complete, we were pretty excited; new neighborhood, new house but then we were offered the option to buy the home we are in. It ended up being less expensive and we wouldn't have to move, so we are staying put.
I am excited to see where out life is headed this coming year. What car will we have?? Will we have another baby?? Will I still work, or will I work more?? Who knows but I am excited to find out.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Lately I feel like I do the same thing day in and day out, and it's usually just Owen and me. Wake up, go on our walk, put Owen down for his nap, take a shower and get ready, take Timmy lunch, come back eat lunch, feed Owen, play toys, put Owen down for another nap, take a nap myself and then cook dinner. I live my whole day for what happens after dinner. I get to watch my son and his daddy play. I am usually picking up from dinner, or resting on the couch. A lot of the time Timmy doesn't know I am watching them. I love their faces, how happy they are. I watch them tease each other and chase each other. Timmy teaches Owen something and then they do it back and forth.

It's funny before we had Owen I hated being alone, I always had the tv on or I would go to a store so I could be around people. I love that I am never alone. I get to hang out with a cute baby, and I love it!! The only thing I wish was that I had enough energy to keep the house all cute and organized like those cute moms at church. I see that sign on Pinterest, you know the one that says pick two: clean house, healthy dinner made, great sex life, well groomed fit and put together, work full time, laundry done and put away. Well lets see, I work part time nights, I make dinner half the nights, my house is partially clean, I am never put together and the laundry gets done half the time. Haha, my life is half ass right now. Working nights was awesome when I didn't have a baby, but now I am always tired, I get to sleep about 4 hours the day after I work, and I am tired the rest of the week.

Change of subject, Riley comes home next week. We are so excited!! Next week is going to be very busy. Riley comes home, Owens one year appt, doctors appt for me, hair appt, one year pictures, and Owens one year party. I am so excited to see my whole family together. It has been 4 years since we have all been together.

Friday, July 5, 2013

Crazy few months

A lot has changed in our little family in the past few months. I only work twice a month, Timmy does not teach right now, we moved to Vegas, and my baby is 6 months old. Crazy I know! Every thing is great so far. I love being a stay at home mom/wife. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love cleaning, organizing, cooking, (I don't like laundry.) I have essentially worked full time since I was 15. This is a great change and I love it! I mean being a mom is not easy by any means and I am sure all those moms out there with more than one kid have it way more rough than I do. But totally worth every second. The days that I do work I love being a nurse. I love helping people and sharing my story, but I hate leaving my baby. When I get home I can't believe how much I missed him.

Timmy is not a teacher right now. He is in training on being the parts and service manager at Yamaha of Las Vegas. We are now in the motorcycle business again. (He did this the first year we were married.) While I was on maternity leave I was only making 50% of what my paycheck was, and we had to pay for our premiums. We found out really quick that a teachers salary was not going to pay all our bills. Timmy and I decided that we wanted me to stay home with our kids as much as possible. Russ offered him a job, and he took it. It was a quick decision and we put our house up for rent. We moved in January (well Timmy moved in January.) I stayed at my moms with Owen until I finished up the schedule at work. We finally both got here the first week of February. I have still had to drive up to St. George a lot lately because Owen still has multiple doctors appointment and vaccinations. At the end of March I won't have to drive up as often. We do miss family, but in all reality we only saw Timmy's family once every other week, and my family once every other week. It has been really nice to live so close to Russ and Nicole. Owen loves to watch Ryker. He is so happy and content to watch that little monkey run around. Timmy and I created a people watcher that is for sure. It is too bad we don't have a little one year old.

I like that we live so close to things down here and that there is so much more to do, if you want to do more. If not there is still the normal movies, restaurants and of course Target and T.J Max! I kinda like too that you don't see any one that you know. You can go anywhere you want looking however you want and nobody cares! I know that might sound crazy but I don't always like getting ready, well I really only get ready to take Timmy lunch, haha.

My baby is 6 months old. I cannot believe it! It has been the best 4 months having him here at home with us. He is my miracle baby and I love him more than I can express. It has been such a blessing in our lives having his smiley face with us. I feel so honored to be his mommy. He is getting so big! He smiles a lot and baby talks. He loves to suck on his hands, and he is getting a tooth. He still eats every three hours, and lately has been waking up 1 or 2 times in the night, which is totally exhausting and requires a nap in the day, for me hahaha! He loves his bath time, and loves to go places to watch people. He doesn't really like to stay at home, I think he gets bored. He still struggles with rolling over, he hates his tummy and cries every time you lay him down. He is getting better at sitting up though. He still fits in 3 month clothes so I am curious to see how much he weighs. I am so proud of us though he has never been sick. After his Synagis he gets a stuffy nose but it clears up in 2 days. We are still careful about taking him to crowded places and will be probably until the end of March.

Well that is our life in a nut shell, I will try and write more often.

Living the Key life

We have now been in "The Vegas" for about 6 months. Things are starting to grow on us. There are lots of things to do, even though we really haven't done much. Right now we are struggling money wise, why you ask? well I just got my tonsils out about 6 weeks ago $1500, I just rear ended a guy $450, we were already over our budget so we need to pay off our credit card ( I am not going to post how much that is). In all reality if I would have looked for a job before we moved and started when we got down here then we wouldn't be in the debt that we are. It is difficult for me to think that I should have done that, because I have really enjoyed staying at home with my little guy. On the other hand I can see how stressed Timmy has been since we have been down here and I don't like it one bit. I wish we just had enough money to live "comfortably" I feel guilty about saying that because we have a lot compared to others. That word is so variable for everyone. Some people feel that being comfortable is having a roof over their head and having enough food to eat; which we do and I am so grateful for that. I am thankful for all the things we have: our jobs, cars, house, furniture, friends and family. I would like to be debt free, and be able to do a few fun things with my family. That to me is living comfortably.

I just started my job 3 weeks ago. I am continuing my specialty which is Postpartum nursing at Summerlin hospital. I have enjoyed it so far, but things are so vastly different than what I am used too. I think the main difference is how busy they are, all the time. They do not use CNA's, so that is really difficult for me because I relied on my CNA's a lot. I get paid a lot more which is very helpful, and I am excited to meet new people. I have been so lucky to be home with Owen for about 9 months working a night here and there. I am so grateful that I only have to work 5 shifts a month. Our goal is to be debt free (besides our mortgage) by Timmy's 30th birthday and to have some in savings (right now we have none).

Three big things are happening to our family this year. Timmy will be 30, Owen is turning 1, and Riley will be home from his mission. I will be throwing a party for Timmy and Owen and I am so excited about that. Timmy's party is going to be a "dirty thirty" where people have to come in their best white trash outfit. Owens is going to be a Peter Pan party. That is his favorite movie. I have been planning both for some time and I am so excited to see friends again. I can't believe Riley is going to be home. It has been so long, but it has gone by so fast.

Basically that is the update in our family. We are working hard, so eventually we will be able to play hard too.
Owen loves Ryker, he looks up too him and loves being around him.

Owen loves all his cousins, and likes to play.

Owen gets so excited when he learns something new.

Owen loves his daddy.

9 month appt, Dr. Marsden said he is just about caught up!

Happy 4th, Owen is very intent on watching the parade.

Loves to crawl

Visiting brother, memorial day

Tickle monster

Livin' the life in Vegas