If I could just shut my brain off I would probably be a lot happier. I know worrying doesn't change the outcome, but it doesn't make it any easier. When I found out I wouldn't be able to have kids naturally (with a bottle of Martinellis and a box of chocolates), I was crushed. I cried for three days knowing that whatever road we would take to get kids would be a long one.
Timmy and I will be married 6 years this year. We have got to know each other inside and out. We have got to see each other grow in all aspects of our lives, and have seen each other through the good and the bad. We have never been so ready to have kids. We have traveled around the country and have done everything we have ever wanted to do. We have both graduated with our Bachelors degrees, have careers, own a house, and own three vehicles. A few years ago we even bought a dog because the kid process was taking a little too long.
I don't really know why I am writing this I guess I am just trying to convince myself that I will be a good mother, maybe I am trying to convince God that I would be a good mother. Timmy and I went to the temple the other day looking for answers the only thing I felt was claustrophobic. I have never wanted something to work out so bad in my life. I am so worried about this baby that I am carrying. I want him to live, be strong and healthy, and I want to be able to be his mom here on earth and to be able to take care of him. I want sleepless nights, a messy house, and snotty kisses; I want someone to call me mommy.
I guess I just need time to heal and more time to become a mom.
"In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil, and you must never forget that. When disppointment and discouragement strike-and they will-you remember and never forget that if our eyes could be opened we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see riding at reckless speed to come to our protection [see 2 Kgs. 6:6-17]. They will always be there, these armies of heaven, in defense of Abraham's seed. --Jeffrey R. Holland
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
24 weeks
For the passed 24 weeks we have been trying to get our minds and house ready for two little boys, we have been offered tons of support and now we Heavenly Father has a new plan for us. For the past few days I knew something wasn't right. I started contracting a lot on Monday pretty regularly but it didn't hurt. Tuesday night it was still continuing but now it was hurting a little. I checked myself in to Labor and Delivery and they checked an FFN, it was negative and then it was the search for the babies. They spent over an hour with the monitors trying to find both babies. They found one baby really easily and then continued to search for the other. Not really sure whether they got both on they called to see if they needed an ultrasound but settling for one on the monitor and one on doppler. (Not knowing that it was the same baby).
I was hoping I would never have to do a post about something like this. I have tried to stop crying but my eyes continue to leak. Yesterday Timmy and I had our 24 week appointment. I have been so excited for this moment, where our boys would be viable for life. Our doctor was out of town so we went to see Dr. Ott. The first thing they did was weigh me and then we waited for the ultrasound, We saw our happy baby B moving all around and his measurements were great. As he moved on to baby A he looked so squished in the corner you could hardly see his body at all just his sweet face. Dr. Ott could not find a heart beat.
He sent us over to MFM to see Dr. Jackson. I really liked him and he made me feel really comfortable with all that was going on. Explained a lot and listened. They looked at our baby A and nothing really looked wrong, he was measuring about 23 weeks and 3 days, my placenta looked good and there was still a good amount of fluid. They couldn't give me a reason our sweet baby boy didn't make it. With a singleton pregnancy at this time they would have sent us to labor and delivery to get induced at we would get to say goodbyes to this little guy. They looked at baby B very closely and measured everything there was to measure. His heart, brain, everything in his belly, Afi, hands, and feet. Everything looks great they see no reason why I shouldn't deliver him at full term, November 15. They measured my cervix and it was long at 3.23 cm and it was still closed. They want me to watch closely for the next few weeks to make sure my body doesn't try to deliver baby A.
One of the most difficult things was to tell our family. I am so happy that we have such a good support system and I have my husband here to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay, even though I see him hurting too. Coming home was hard, I already have two of most things. Two car seats that Timmy was so excited to install in the car; two cribs, and a double stroller.
Looking back now I realize that I haven't felt movement on the right side very often during my pregnancy. The very first ultrasound we had baby A was the crazy mover and ever since then it has been baby B that has been moving all around.
I don't know why this had to happen, I have run through my mind a million times over trying to think what I could have done differently or if they could have checked me more frequently. It is hard because I want to be happy knowing there is still a living baby inside, it is just weird because I don't really get to say goodbye to the other. It will be such a bitter sweet moment at delivery to have one alive and one passed away.
I was hoping I would never have to do a post about something like this. I have tried to stop crying but my eyes continue to leak. Yesterday Timmy and I had our 24 week appointment. I have been so excited for this moment, where our boys would be viable for life. Our doctor was out of town so we went to see Dr. Ott. The first thing they did was weigh me and then we waited for the ultrasound, We saw our happy baby B moving all around and his measurements were great. As he moved on to baby A he looked so squished in the corner you could hardly see his body at all just his sweet face. Dr. Ott could not find a heart beat.
He sent us over to MFM to see Dr. Jackson. I really liked him and he made me feel really comfortable with all that was going on. Explained a lot and listened. They looked at our baby A and nothing really looked wrong, he was measuring about 23 weeks and 3 days, my placenta looked good and there was still a good amount of fluid. They couldn't give me a reason our sweet baby boy didn't make it. With a singleton pregnancy at this time they would have sent us to labor and delivery to get induced at we would get to say goodbyes to this little guy. They looked at baby B very closely and measured everything there was to measure. His heart, brain, everything in his belly, Afi, hands, and feet. Everything looks great they see no reason why I shouldn't deliver him at full term, November 15. They measured my cervix and it was long at 3.23 cm and it was still closed. They want me to watch closely for the next few weeks to make sure my body doesn't try to deliver baby A.
One of the most difficult things was to tell our family. I am so happy that we have such a good support system and I have my husband here to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay, even though I see him hurting too. Coming home was hard, I already have two of most things. Two car seats that Timmy was so excited to install in the car; two cribs, and a double stroller.
Looking back now I realize that I haven't felt movement on the right side very often during my pregnancy. The very first ultrasound we had baby A was the crazy mover and ever since then it has been baby B that has been moving all around.
I don't know why this had to happen, I have run through my mind a million times over trying to think what I could have done differently or if they could have checked me more frequently. It is hard because I want to be happy knowing there is still a living baby inside, it is just weird because I don't really get to say goodbye to the other. It will be such a bitter sweet moment at delivery to have one alive and one passed away.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
20 weeks
I am officially 20 weeks today, okay so I wrote this over a week ago. It has been so great watching my babies grow. I am getting big and I can feel them move a lot. I never know which baby it is. We had a scare last sunday and I found myself in Labor and Delivery with uterine irritability. Timmy is pretty sure that I was dehydrated so he was a good little daddy and bought me a BIG 100 oz mug from Maverik. Now anytime I go anywhere he asks me if he can fill it up. :) He is such a sweet husband he will be a great dad.
What I was the most nervous for was our big 20 week ultrasound. For some reason I get nervous before each appointment, I am not sure why I just want everything to be good. My grandma got to come to this ultrasound, she was so cute asking questions and getting so excited. They measured each little bug and baby A is 14 oz and measuring big at 21 weeks and baby B was measuring 11 oz and right on 19.5 weeks. Their brains are normal as well as their bellys, hearts and their femurs. My placentas look great and are away from my cervix, and my cervix is 3 cm long (which is right where it is suppose to be).
I am just starting to buy stuff for the nursery and in a month or so it will be finished and look so so good. Now we just need to find names. I know what I want to name them I just have to wait for the okay from Timmy.
The night after I wrote this Timmy got to feel the babies. We were so excited and I couldn't stop smiling. He loves to feel the babies move.
What I was the most nervous for was our big 20 week ultrasound. For some reason I get nervous before each appointment, I am not sure why I just want everything to be good. My grandma got to come to this ultrasound, she was so cute asking questions and getting so excited. They measured each little bug and baby A is 14 oz and measuring big at 21 weeks and baby B was measuring 11 oz and right on 19.5 weeks. Their brains are normal as well as their bellys, hearts and their femurs. My placentas look great and are away from my cervix, and my cervix is 3 cm long (which is right where it is suppose to be).
I am just starting to buy stuff for the nursery and in a month or so it will be finished and look so so good. Now we just need to find names. I know what I want to name them I just have to wait for the okay from Timmy.
The night after I wrote this Timmy got to feel the babies. We were so excited and I couldn't stop smiling. He loves to feel the babies move.
Early summer fun
It is time for my monthly post :). Things have been a little crazy around here. Lots of things have happened this month. At the beginning of the month I got to go to Provo to visit my best friend Brooke. She will be delivering in August and I knew we needed to get together before all these babies are born. We had so much fun, we talked a lot, and shopped a lot and even got to go and watch What to expect. This was a funny movie, either because I am pregnant or because I work in Womens and Childrens. This picture is of Amberli, me and Brooke. We were so lucky to all get together for lunch, it is always good to see good friends when you haven't seen them in a while.
All I have to say is I am definitely not the lady carrying the twins; I am a little of all of them. I have had my distress with trying for years, being on infertility treatments, and IVF. We have even thought about adopting. When I first got pregnant I thought I would love every second of my "new body" and would feel so good. Turns out that is not me, of course it could all be worse. I have been so lucky to get pregnant the first time with IVF and not be to terribly sick, I have had a few complications but over all things are great!! I love that my belly is getting bigger, and I love that I can feel these boys move, I cannot wait until my honey can feel these guys, it has made everything so real to me. For the longest time my pregnancy has not really seemed real. Now it is :)
Anyway back to visiting Brooke, basically the whole time we were talking about nurseries. Brooke is going to hers with grey furniture and purple and green fabric. Mine is going to be old school boy colors; green, blue, orange and grey, and the furniture is a pecan color.
The other thing that was exciting this month was Timmy's family reunion. It was fun seeing all the Key family again. I enjoy his dads family, we had lots of jokes and kareoke, we even went swimming at the city pool. Hopefully in the next month or so we will be going to California to the ranch for the grand opening.
Look how funny we are all pregnant there will be one born in Aug (Brookes), Sep (Amberli's) and my babies probably in Oct. They are both having girls, so maybe my boys will have someone to date :)
All I have to say is I am definitely not the lady carrying the twins; I am a little of all of them. I have had my distress with trying for years, being on infertility treatments, and IVF. We have even thought about adopting. When I first got pregnant I thought I would love every second of my "new body" and would feel so good. Turns out that is not me, of course it could all be worse. I have been so lucky to get pregnant the first time with IVF and not be to terribly sick, I have had a few complications but over all things are great!! I love that my belly is getting bigger, and I love that I can feel these boys move, I cannot wait until my honey can feel these guys, it has made everything so real to me. For the longest time my pregnancy has not really seemed real. Now it is :)
Anyway back to visiting Brooke, basically the whole time we were talking about nurseries. Brooke is going to hers with grey furniture and purple and green fabric. Mine is going to be old school boy colors; green, blue, orange and grey, and the furniture is a pecan color.
The other thing that was exciting this month was Timmy's family reunion. It was fun seeing all the Key family again. I enjoy his dads family, we had lots of jokes and kareoke, we even went swimming at the city pool. Hopefully in the next month or so we will be going to California to the ranch for the grand opening.
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