baby blues

THe passed few months have been very different than what I was wanting them to turn out like. After surgery in Sept we we nt through with a FET. Everything went well, medications, labs, doctors appointments and then a positive pregnancy. We went in for our first ultrasound the baby looked great and had a perfect sac. I was 7.4 weeks. The first problemishes was the baby w as measuring small, 6.2. They couldn't find a heartbeat so they had a wait and use a nicer ultrasound machine. There was a heartbeat, but it was beating very slow, hr of 53. We were instructed to continue the medication and then come back in a week to confirm viability. Waiting that week was difficult, knowing my chances of the babies survival were not good. During that week we celebrated my 29th birthday, I hope my 30th is much better. My sweet honey, did take me to dinner and a movie. Anything to keep my mind of the baby was helpful. We went in the following week and the baby had passed away. Things have been difficult none the less, more appointments, surgery and now finally 2 months later I am finally feeling myself again. My body does not do well dropping hormone levels, I have terrible thoughts, and am in a very dark place in my life. We have 1 frozen embryo left, but will most likely have to harvest more before going on, as well as have some genetic counseling, and save some serious cash.
The whole thing about all of this is, I can't stop thinking about this. It consumes my life. Yes; I work, am a wife, a mother, cook, clean and whatever else, but it is always in the back of my mind. It consumes my thoughts with continuous questions about what I can do to get a baby. I look up adoption processses, talk to people, think of ways to make more money, think of things that might be preventing me from carrying a baby, things I can try to increase my chances, look up serrogucy. None of these things get me anywhere. I dream about having babies and things going wrong or dream of people giving me babies that I just love. I feel as though the universe is making my decision of being done having children although every other mother in the world decides herself when she is done. I am meant to have children, I love them, want them and adore them. I have always been drawn to teaching kids, I get along with kids better than adults, and have always been I. Primary, nursery and teaching them in the pool, I deliver them to this world and help them survive their most vulnerable few days on this earth. I deserve to have more and feel I am always trying to convince the Lord that it's a good idea to send me more, and then my heart breaks wondering if this is not his plan. My patriarchal blessing says differently but I am getting older and older and we are running short of money and time. I still have hope and owen, and that is what keeps me going. I wish for one day i could not worry about this burden.