baby blues

THe passed few months have been very different than what I was wanting them to turn out like. After surgery in Sept we we nt through with a FET. Everything went well, medications, labs, doctors appointments and then a positive pregnancy. We went in for our first ultrasound the baby looked great and had a perfect sac. I was 7.4 weeks. The first problemishes was the baby w as measuring small, 6.2. They couldn't find a heartbeat so they had a wait and use a nicer ultrasound machine. There was a heartbeat, but it was beating very slow, hr of 53. We were instructed to continue the medication and then come back in a week to confirm viability. Waiting that week was difficult, knowing my chances of the babies survival were not good. During that week we celebrated my 29th birthday, I hope my 30th is much better. My sweet honey, did take me to dinner and a movie. Anything to keep my mind of the baby was helpful. We went in the following week and the baby had passed away. Things have been difficult none the less, more appointments, surgery and now finally 2 months later I am finally feeling myself again. My body does not do well dropping hormone levels, I have terrible thoughts, and am in a very dark place in my life. We have 1 frozen embryo left, but will most likely have to harvest more before going on, as well as have some genetic counseling, and save some serious cash.
The whole thing about all of this is, I can't stop thinking about this. It consumes my life. Yes; I work, am a wife, a mother, cook, clean and whatever else, but it is always in the back of my mind. It consumes my thoughts with continuous questions about what I can do to get a baby. I look up adoption processses, talk to people, think of ways to make more money, think of things that might be preventing me from carrying a baby, things I can try to increase my chances, look up serrogucy. None of these things get me anywhere. I dream about having babies and things going wrong or dream of people giving me babies that I just love. I feel as though the universe is making my decision of being done having children although every other mother in the world decides herself when she is done. I am meant to have children, I love them, want them and adore them. I have always been drawn to teaching kids, I get along with kids better than adults, and have always been I. Primary, nursery and teaching them in the pool, I deliver them to this world and help them survive their most vulnerable few days on this earth. I deserve to have more and feel I am always trying to convince the Lord that it's a good idea to send me more, and then my heart breaks wondering if this is not his plan. My patriarchal blessing says differently but I am getting older and older and we are running short of money and time. I still have hope and owen, and that is what keeps me going. I wish for one day i could not worry about this burden.

Happy Fall

We are coming to the end of Sept, and it always amazes me when I look back on these blogs, and realize that I haven't written in them for months. The last time I wrote I think I was having a bad day... :) This post will be much more positive and happy. I guess things haven't really changed all that much, I guess I have just been finding things to do and we haven't been just sitting around. I think I have def kept my promise from my last blog. We have been getting out of the house more and that makes me happy. For a while there I was exercising a lot. about 5 x a week for an hour each, and following a meal plan. I lost 7 pounds and 10 inches total. I was doing really good until I stopped the boot camps, haha. I will get back on that band wagon soon, cause I def had more energy (but was a diff kind of tired at the same time).

We celebrated Owens 2 birthday, and he had a puppy party. We had lots of Timmys' family here and we had mexican food (one of Owens favs), they got to play with cars, eat cake, and adopts a puppy. He got lots of fun toys (a motorcycle, a bike, legos, a kitchen, some books and some clothes). He has been such a fun, busy, messy boy to have around our house. He loves figuring things out himself, and has a little temper too. When he gets mad, he tries to push things over that are in his way or hit something close by. He is a diaper hoodini and will not leave his diaper on. We tried potty training but ended up stopping because we kept going out of town, we will try again soon.

We celebrated our 8 anniversary, which is crazy to me because it doesn't feel like that long at all. I sure do love my honey... He is the most patient person with me and Owen, is a hard worker, takes care of us, is gentle and kind, loves helping others, will put everything on hold if asked to do something, is a great teacher, helps around the house, cooks, builds things for me, is a handyman around the house and with cars, is a good looking guy (sexy), and I could go on forever. I think I picked the right guy. We were lucky and got to celebrate our anniversary in Brian Head this year. We stayed in the Brian Head Lodge; it was a great room, and so much fun. I wasn't able to do too much because I just had polyps removed from my uterus but we had a good time regardless. I am glad we really got to celebrate this time.

We also ran a 5k for Pound The Pavement for Parenthood and won a 50% In-Vetro, from Utah Fertility Center. This will be awesome, so when we decide to do In-Vetro again we will only have to pay $8,500 instead of $15,000. I am so grateful for everyone who bought a raffle ticket. Now we can have the 8 kids I have always wanted (HAHAHA!!) I don't think TImmy would ever go for that, but now maybe we can at least have 4.

We both continue to work, but just started an awesome budget that is going to help us so much!! Finally, over all these years we finally came up with something that we are actually sticking too and following through with (well for one month anyway). My spending habits are finally in control (because believe me they were def out of control). Sometimes we have awesome dinners (like beans and franks), but hey whatever works right??

The next projects I am taking on are two food family blogs, one for the Smith family and one for the Ferwerda family. It will be fun to start these but also keep me busy.

Hopefully I won't let too many months pass before I blog again, but just in case, Happy Holidays!!

Feeling crazy

Do you ever feel like your crazy?? I mean literally. You talk to yourself during the day, you feel like you could just run and run and run but you are too tired emotionally, that you just can't do it? I take it back, you can't run because you are tired physically too. You wanna change up your schedule but you are so bored with yourself that you just can't do it; even when you get a little surge of energy and you do switch it up it is still not exciting. Wow.... Doesn't my life sound great?? Actually it should be. I should be much more excited about my life. I am healthy, my baby is healthy and my hubby is healthy. We both have great jobs, we love each other, and we have a great house that we are in the process of buying. I have had a few visitors and that has been great, honestly I think I get lonely. I have no friends and Owen and I pretty much hang out at home all day. About 4 times a week we make it to the park but it is usually just us. When Timmy gets home he is too tired to do anything and we usually just watch tv. I think my goal is going to be that we need to do something new at least once a week. I work about 6 times a month, which is perfect and sometimes a saving grace, it's about the only other adult interaction that I get. One of these days in the near future I would love to take a vacation. I haven't been on a real vacation in almost two years, and I was 5 weeks pregnant. I told Timmy that one of these days I am just going to buy a plane ticket and take the little guy with me, I should probably give him an ultimatum, I mean I am going stir crazy here. Well, I think that is enough of my ramblings.

What happens in Vegas

I am sitting here at work and contemplating my life. If you were to tell me 3 years ago I would be in Vegas, working as a Postpartum nurse per diem, and have one baby, I would tell you that you were crazy. I wish I was only working once a week, I would love to have more than one baby and Vegas is not ideal. Things however are always looking up. I love my life, it is just very different than what I thought it would be. I am still very much in love with my husband, I love my little munchkin (who is crazy and starting to talk). We are finally paying off all out medical bills and starting to get ahead financially.
Since we have been in Vegas, I have rolled into a car, a car hit my car and drive off about a block from home. The worst thing that has happened so far is out neighbor got shot. Right before Halloween. I heard some whimpering around 2:50 in the am, I thought it was Owen and figured he needed to cry it out. Then a few min later I heard a thud. Then someone started banging on out garage door, front door and ringing the door bell, yelling help me!!! It scared me so bad and I told Timmy to not answer the door and call 911. I ran to the front of the house and saw some women getting into her car. As the cops showed up Timmy opened the door and there was blood all over our porch. Crazy!! That would never happen in St. George, well at least not where we were. Vegas has definitely been a change but we are getting used to it.
We started building a home and it was almost complete, we were pretty excited; new neighborhood, new house but then we were offered the option to buy the home we are in. It ended up being less expensive and we wouldn't have to move, so we are staying put.
I am excited to see where out life is headed this coming year. What car will we have?? Will we have another baby?? Will I still work, or will I work more?? Who knows but I am excited to find out.

Lately I feel like I do the same thing day in and day out, and it's usually just Owen and me. Wake up, go on our walk, put Owen down for his nap, take a shower and get ready, take Timmy lunch, come back eat lunch, feed Owen, play toys, put Owen down for another nap, take a nap myself and then cook dinner. I live my whole day for what happens after dinner. I get to watch my son and his daddy play. I am usually picking up from dinner, or resting on the couch. A lot of the time Timmy doesn't know I am watching them. I love their faces, how happy they are. I watch them tease each other and chase each other. Timmy teaches Owen something and then they do it back and forth.

It's funny before we had Owen I hated being alone, I always had the tv on or I would go to a store so I could be around people. I love that I am never alone. I get to hang out with a cute baby, and I love it!! The only thing I wish was that I had enough energy to keep the house all cute and organized like those cute moms at church. I see that sign on Pinterest, you know the one that says pick two: clean house, healthy dinner made, great sex life, well groomed fit and put together, work full time, laundry done and put away. Well lets see, I work part time nights, I make dinner half the nights, my house is partially clean, I am never put together and the laundry gets done half the time. Haha, my life is half ass right now. Working nights was awesome when I didn't have a baby, but now I am always tired, I get to sleep about 4 hours the day after I work, and I am tired the rest of the week.

Change of subject, Riley comes home next week. We are so excited!! Next week is going to be very busy. Riley comes home, Owens one year appt, doctors appt for me, hair appt, one year pictures, and Owens one year party. I am so excited to see my whole family together. It has been 4 years since we have all been together.

Crazy few months

A lot has changed in our little family in the past few months. I only work twice a month, Timmy does not teach right now, we moved to Vegas, and my baby is 6 months old. Crazy I know! Every thing is great so far. I love being a stay at home mom/wife. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love cleaning, organizing, cooking, (I don't like laundry.) I have essentially worked full time since I was 15. This is a great change and I love it! I mean being a mom is not easy by any means and I am sure all those moms out there with more than one kid have it way more rough than I do. But totally worth every second. The days that I do work I love being a nurse. I love helping people and sharing my story, but I hate leaving my baby. When I get home I can't believe how much I missed him.

Timmy is not a teacher right now. He is in training on being the parts and service manager at Yamaha of Las Vegas. We are now in the motorcycle business again. (He did this the first year we were married.) While I was on maternity leave I was only making 50% of what my paycheck was, and we had to pay for our premiums. We found out really quick that a teachers salary was not going to pay all our bills. Timmy and I decided that we wanted me to stay home with our kids as much as possible. Russ offered him a job, and he took it. It was a quick decision and we put our house up for rent. We moved in January (well Timmy moved in January.) I stayed at my moms with Owen until I finished up the schedule at work. We finally both got here the first week of February. I have still had to drive up to St. George a lot lately because Owen still has multiple doctors appointment and vaccinations. At the end of March I won't have to drive up as often. We do miss family, but in all reality we only saw Timmy's family once every other week, and my family once every other week. It has been really nice to live so close to Russ and Nicole. Owen loves to watch Ryker. He is so happy and content to watch that little monkey run around. Timmy and I created a people watcher that is for sure. It is too bad we don't have a little one year old.

I like that we live so close to things down here and that there is so much more to do, if you want to do more. If not there is still the normal movies, restaurants and of course Target and T.J Max! I kinda like too that you don't see any one that you know. You can go anywhere you want looking however you want and nobody cares! I know that might sound crazy but I don't always like getting ready, well I really only get ready to take Timmy lunch, haha.

My baby is 6 months old. I cannot believe it! It has been the best 4 months having him here at home with us. He is my miracle baby and I love him more than I can express. It has been such a blessing in our lives having his smiley face with us. I feel so honored to be his mommy. He is getting so big! He smiles a lot and baby talks. He loves to suck on his hands, and he is getting a tooth. He still eats every three hours, and lately has been waking up 1 or 2 times in the night, which is totally exhausting and requires a nap in the day, for me hahaha! He loves his bath time, and loves to go places to watch people. He doesn't really like to stay at home, I think he gets bored. He still struggles with rolling over, he hates his tummy and cries every time you lay him down. He is getting better at sitting up though. He still fits in 3 month clothes so I am curious to see how much he weighs. I am so proud of us though he has never been sick. After his Synagis he gets a stuffy nose but it clears up in 2 days. We are still careful about taking him to crowded places and will be probably until the end of March.


Well that is our life in a nut shell, I will try and write more often.

Living the Key life

We have now been in "The Vegas" for about 6 months. Things are starting to grow on us. There are lots of things to do, even though we really haven't done much. Right now we are struggling money wise, why you ask? well I just got my tonsils out about 6 weeks ago $1500, I just rear ended a guy $450, we were already over our budget so we need to pay off our credit card ( I am not going to post how much that is). In all reality if I would have looked for a job before we moved and started when we got down here then we wouldn't be in the debt that we are. It is difficult for me to think that I should have done that, because I have really enjoyed staying at home with my little guy. On the other hand I can see how stressed Timmy has been since we have been down here and I don't like it one bit. I wish we just had enough money to live "comfortably" I feel guilty about saying that because we have a lot compared to others. That word is so variable for everyone. Some people feel that being comfortable is having a roof over their head and having enough food to eat; which we do and I am so grateful for that. I am thankful for all the things we have: our jobs, cars, house, furniture, friends and family. I would like to be debt free, and be able to do a few fun things with my family. That to me is living comfortably.

I just started my job 3 weeks ago. I am continuing my specialty which is Postpartum nursing at Summerlin hospital. I have enjoyed it so far, but things are so vastly different than what I am used too. I think the main difference is how busy they are, all the time. They do not use CNA's, so that is really difficult for me because I relied on my CNA's a lot. I get paid a lot more which is very helpful, and I am excited to meet new people. I have been so lucky to be home with Owen for about 9 months working a night here and there. I am so grateful that I only have to work 5 shifts a month. Our goal is to be debt free (besides our mortgage) by Timmy's 30th birthday and to have some in savings (right now we have none).

Three big things are happening to our family this year. Timmy will be 30, Owen is turning 1, and Riley will be home from his mission. I will be throwing a party for Timmy and Owen and I am so excited about that. Timmy's party is going to be a "dirty thirty" where people have to come in their best white trash outfit. Owens is going to be a Peter Pan party. That is his favorite movie. I have been planning both for some time and I am so excited to see friends again. I can't believe Riley is going to be home. It has been so long, but it has gone by so fast.

Basically that is the update in our family. We are working hard, so eventually we will be able to play hard too.

Owen loves Ryker, he looks up too him and loves being around him.

Owen loves all his cousins, and likes to play.

Owen gets so excited when he learns something new.

Owen loves his daddy.

9 month appt, Dr. Marsden said he is just about caught up!

Happy 4th, Owen is very intent on watching the parade.

Loves to crawl

Visiting brother, memorial day

Tickle monster

Livin' the life in Vegas

Life in The Vegas

We have now lived in Las Vegas for almost 3 months. We like it so far, unfortunately we are not making as much money as we thought because I am not working. I have an interview tomorrow at Summerlin hospital. I am really excited actually. I will be able to work less and make more than I do in St. George and probably get more experience. I even have a friend that works there. Tara, she went to nursing school with me and worked in postpartum with me in stg.

Owen is getting so big, he laughs, sits up, rolls over, and eats real food. He is the sweetest baby. He loves to cuddle and in the morning after I feed him he will jut lay next to me and cuddle for a half an hour or so. It is so cute. He loves to jump in the jumparoo. He had his last RSV shot and his occupational therapy appointment. Kari Ann was so impressed by him and said he does everything at his both age not his gestational age. We are so proud of him! He loves living close to Ryker and Harper, he loves to watch them play.

Timmy likes his job...I think anyway, he doesn't talk about it much, oh wait he doesn't talk much at all. Hahaha. We don't see him much and that is hard but he is a hard worker and I am so proud of him. He gets to bathe Owen every night and then we get to spend time together.

We are so lucky to be next to Nicole and Russ they have showed us around the city, helped us meet new friends and we get to hang out every once and a while. We have not done much of the big city stuff or have even really gone any where (me more than Timmy) but it is our life and we love it. Wet n Wild is just 2 min from the house so we will have somewhere to hang out this summer.

The most exciting thin I have done so far is a private showing of The Lone Ranger. I met Nicole there and we got to see unseen footage of the movie and watch an interview with some of the cast, the producer and director, including Johnny Depp! I got to see him so close. I wish I was only able tiger a picture or an autograph.

My baby is 3 months

A lot of things have happened over this month. I am now 27, we celebrated Thanksgiving and Owen is 3 months old. Timmy took me to dinner for my birthday, we went to Benja's. The only other thing I wanted to do was walk around and look in different stores. We didn't get anything, I just wanted to do something different. Thanksgiving was fun. I got to see my family a little, it was really hard not being able to take Owen places. I know it is for the best and we really don't want him to get sick but it is difficult, not being around family. Timmy was a good husband and watched him while I did my black friday shopping and let me go to a movie with my sister. Owen is getting so big, he is now 7 pounds 8 ounces. We love him so much. Here are some things that he has accomplished this last month.

• He sleeps for 5 hours at night after his 30 calorie bottle.
• He just learned how to coo, he doesn't do it very often but he knows how.
• He can lift his head up and turn it side to side. 
• He crys a lot. His tummy hurts and he gets lots of gas bubbles.
• He likes to be with mommy. 
• He loves his bath time; he likes warm water, it makes his tummy feel better.
• He fits in newborn clothes.

We had so much fun for Thanksgiving we made our own dinner, and went to the sand dunes for football and watched daddy play.

I love his dimples

I said smile for daddy and he did.

Loves his bath time but hates getting out, it is too cold.

Loves to be wrapped to mommy

At home with my Owen

My little Owen is now 2 months old. He is getting so big, now at 5lb 4oz. I know that seems small to some people but he was only 3lb 2oz at birth. Here are a few things about him.

• He is getting little chubby cheeks and starting to fill out his preemie outfits. He has even outgrown 2 of his jammies. 
• He is really strong too. We do his exercises everyday. He can lift his head off the ground for 3 sec and he can grab my hands and pull his body up. 
• He sleeps a lot and eats every three hours. When he eats he puts his hand on his head like he is thinking. He gets 2 extra calorie bottles a day and loves daddy to feed him. 

 

• He is almost at his due date. Next week he will be 40 weeks on Wednesday. 
• We haven't gone many places yet. We avoid places with kids, and crowds. He had his first walk on the river trail, he loved it. He fell asleep pretty quickly. 

•  He has learned how to suck his thumb and sometimes snores when he sleeps.

• He likes to be up at night most of the time, and when he sleeps he likes to sleep next to his mamma.
• He still has frequent doctor appointments. Two next week.   
• His hair is red and it is fuzzy like his uncle Rileys

We love him so much. We are so happy that he is finally home. We pray everyday for him and are glad that he is growing and getting so strong.

My delivery story

Friday August 31 I went to have an NST at 10:20 am. I was able to go right on back and got comfortable on the recliner. Owens heart sounded really good, in the 140's and 150's. About 15 min later his heart went down to the 90's. I tried to find his heart but it was difficult, it came right back up, but mom knew something was wrong. I almost called for some help but his heart rate went back up after 1 min or so. I told Dr. Ott and he said that it was my heartbeat and that sometimes it picks up the maternal heart rate. I knew in my heart that it wasn't mine and it was his. I called Timmy and he told me very calmly to listen to his heartbeat with the doppler throughout the day. I went to Wal-mart to get my mind off of things, and bought things  for delivery that I wouldn't be having for at least a few weeks and then went home. I listened to him a couple of times, on and off and he sounded really good. I called Lena to talk and ate some pizza for lunch. Throughout the pregnancy I had been watching Private Practice so I sat down to watch an episode. I listened to him for almost the whole episode and once again he went down into the 90's. I called Timmy in a panic he told me to call the office but I didn't know what to say so I got in the car to drive there. The panic that was going through my mind was too much, what if by the time I got there and they sent me to Labor and Delivery it was too late? I decided then that I would go strait to Labor and Delivery especially because I was worried that they would send me home.

I was a mess. I started crying right when I walked in, they asked me what was wrong; was I hurting, and if I had felt him move. We went into a room and they hooked me up. Venice was my  nurse, we were there for about an hour and a half and everything looked really good she went to go get the discharge paperwork but I asked if I could stay for a bit longer. She came in to tell us we were just about ready to go, and he did it again. Luckily she was in the room and watched him. She said that it could have been picking up my heart rate, but it also could have been him. She said she would call Dr. Ott. He wanted us to stay for the weekend and Dr. Chalmers would be back on Monday to decide what to do with me.

That night he had 4 decelerations, the longest was in the 40's for about 5 min. I was so scared and cried a lot. Dr. Eggert the Neonatologist came in and talked to us about how I was only 29.4 weeks along and what we could expect if our baby was born this weekend. He suggested that I take 2 doses of the betamethesone shots, but it would take 48 hours for the full effects to kick in. He also wanted me to start taking prophilactic magnesium sulfate. The betamethasone is a steroid that helps lungs develop quickly, and the magnesium is to prevent brain bleeds. The shots were the worst, they hurt more than any other shots I had at the beginning of  my pregnancy. Timmy would rub my hip where the shot was given to make it feel better. The Magnesium ran in for 12 hours and made me feel a little woosy, and burned going in. I kind of liked the feeling though because it made me calm. I tried to sleep but about every 3 hours he would have a deceleration so I would end up just starring at his strip.

Each shift I had a new doctor watching me and my strip. The first night Dr. Ott and Dr. Wong the second night it was Dr. Fagnant. At first he made me feel comfortable by answering all my questions. By the end of the night all of his statistics and studies were confusing me, he was still even mentioning the possibility of sending me home, and he wasn't making any decisions. That night when I would have a decel no one would come in and once again I was watching my strip constantly. Sunday morning I finally got a few hours of sleep . Dr. Strubble was my doctor that day, and I was so grateful.  When he came on he said he was going to call Perinatology in Salt Lake and ask them three questions. 1. When they should deliver me. 2. If they should deliver me and 3. If they should stop my contractions. When I got up to use the bathroom I felt like I was having gas and felt a little pop. I called out to my nurse Kristen and said that I thought my water had broke. Corbin decided that because no one was going to make a decision he was going to break his water. Dr. Strubble called the Perinatologists again and they said they would do my C-section if one of three things happened. 1. Owen was showing signs of infection. 2. I got a temperature or 3. If I went into labor. Almost immediately I started having stronger contractions. I had about 5 contractions and they were getting pretty uncomfortable. The one I had right before they checked me I started to cry. I was 5.5 cm, at that time they started getting me ready for surgery. Everything went really fast.

They wheeled me back and Dr. Nelson put in my spinal I will truly always be so grateful that I was able to be awake during my labor experience. He went really fast and then they layed me down. Timmy came and they started to cut. It was the weirdest feeling, it was almost hurting but it was just the tugging that felt so weird. When they pulled Owen out it seemed like forever before I heard his sweet litttle cry. I was a mom. He was actually crying. Throughout the past two days I was in fear for his life, his heart rate went down numerous times and I wasn't sure if he was going to survive or if they were going to tell me something that I had already heard once before. They let me see him only for a second and they they took my sweet little boy to the NICU, luckily daddy got to follow. A  couple minutes later they were done with the c-section and I was wheeled back to the recovery room. My mom and Dad and Tyler were there to greet me.

A little bit later I got to meet our other sweet little boy. He was perfect. I can't express the feelings I had that day. There was a spirit in the room and I knew he was there watching out for his brother. If his water wouldn't have broke that day, I don't know if Owen would have made it much longer. He passed away so his brother could grow big and strong and his water broke so that his brother could survive. I will always be grateful for that little boy. Labor and Delivery techs were able to get hand prints and foot prints, and perfect hand and foot molds. We decided to name him Corbin Russell.

A few hours later my legs were finally un-numb. Lisa came down and got me in a wheel chair so I could see my precious new baby. I am so glad that she was able to take me to see him right away. I really don't remember much but that he had his cpap, and his uvc. I wasn't really that worried about him now that I could see him breathing. Timmy and I were so happy.

The next few days are kind of a blur. We went to the NICU frequently to hold him and we learned a lot. We got to hold him every 7-10-1-4 o' clock hour. Timmy decided that he would hold him at 7 every night, that way he would get used to him putting him to bed when he got home from work. I started holding him every 10 o'clock in the morning and evening. That later changed because I started to feel disconnected from Timmy and I was starting to lose a lot of sleep. The first 10 days were really hard, I was emotionally drained from everything we went through and physically drained from having no sleep. The nurses and Timmy finally convinced me to sleep in the thurs before Corbins burial.

Now that it has been almost 2 weeks things are starting to fall into a routine. Unfortunately the house is a wreck and the time really seems to fly by. Timmy goes to see him before work. I wake up around 8 pump and shower and go to the hospital for rounds I stay until 11:30. I go home eat and pump and take an hour nap and try to organize a few things or run errands. Then I go back to the hospital at 4 until 5:50 and Timmy meets me there. Then we eat dinner and go back at 7 until 8:30 and try to sleep. Then mimi goes to visit at 10.

Yay! 29 weeks

I am 29 Weeks today and am still as nervous as ever. For the past 4 weeks nothing has changed. I am still bleeding, and randomly contracting, and my cervix is still 1.67 cm long. I stopped working about 3 weeks ago which I think is a good thing. I think that is why nothing has changed. Of course I am bored almost everyday at home doing nothing but I have found a few things to pass my time. Private Practice, and Disney movies are just a few things; I have also been sewing like a mad man. I have made his curtains, crib blanket, two other blankets and lots of burp cloths. Luckily I have friends from work that call frequently to see how I am.

Here is his crib blanket

These are the curtains (Timmy don't hate me ((vertical video))

Burp cloths

Self Binding blanket

These are awesome it is a baby wrap, I know I will love using it.

These are really special in our family, it is his Mockie.

I cannot believe that it is the end of August, I really only have about 8 weeks left, then I am full term. So far the plan is I have a regular appt every week that will consist of a cervical ultrasound, a regular ultrasound every other week, and an NST and some blood work. I will also have a second appt just for an NST. With these NST's they will be able to predict if anything is wrong with the baby and be able to get him out as soon as there are any signs of distress. Because baby A is blocking my cervix they feel it is too risky to deliver me vaginally, because of this I will be a scheduled C-section (well hopefully scheduled). They still don't think that I will make it full time, but I  hit the first benchmark at 28 weeks and I just need to get to the 32 then 36. I am almost there.

I know I look GREAT!! my hair is not done, I have no make-up on and I am getting big.

Timmy started school again, and I think he is going to have a really good class. He has hardly been home with the City pool still open and all the SEP's and back to school nights. During his "spare time" he has been putting all the nursery furniture together. He has been so worried about me and our baby. He even has a  stress twitch.

Last week I fell, it was actually kind of funny but Timmy didn't think it was at all. I was walking in to Mcdonalds to fill up my water after going through the drive through to get him dinner before his Softball Tournament. I had a really cute outfit on with some platform shoes. I was walking across the parking lot and tripped and fell right in front of the car in the drive through. I was scared at first; I was shaking, and all bruised up and I thought I was bleeding. Well I actually peed my pants because of all the pressure. I hurt for a few days after that, luckily everything was fine.

We sold America's it was kind of a sad day. We put it online on a Friday night and sold it Saturday afternoon. I had that car for 7 years longer than Timmy and I had been married. We had a lot of good memories with that car.

Just waiting for her to be taken away

They say "Time Heals all Wounds"

If I could just shut my brain off I would probably be a lot happier. I know worrying doesn't change the outcome, but it doesn't make it any easier. When I found out I wouldn't be able to have kids naturally (with a bottle of Martinellis and a box of chocolates), I was crushed. I cried for three days knowing that whatever road we would take to get kids would be a long one.

Timmy and I will be married 6 years this year. We have got to know each other inside and out. We have got to see each other grow in all aspects of our lives, and have seen each other through the good and the bad. We have never been so ready to have kids. We have traveled around the country and have done everything we have ever wanted to do. We have both graduated with our Bachelors degrees, have careers, own a house, and own three vehicles. A few years ago we even bought a dog because the kid process was taking a little too long.

I don't really know why I am writing this I guess I am just trying to convince myself that I will be a good mother, maybe I am trying to convince God that I would be a good mother. Timmy and I went to the temple the other day looking for answers the only thing I felt was claustrophobic. I have never wanted something to work out so bad in my life. I am so worried about this baby that I am carrying. I want him to live, be strong and healthy, and I want to be able to be his mom here on earth and to be able to take care of him. I want sleepless nights, a messy house, and snotty kisses; I want someone to call me mommy.

I guess I just need time to heal and more time to become a mom.

"In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil, and you must never forget that. When disppointment and discouragement strike-and they will-you remember and never forget that if our eyes could be opened we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see riding at reckless speed to come to our protection [see 2 Kgs. 6:6-17]. They will always be there, these armies of heaven, in defense of Abraham's seed. --Jeffrey R. Holland

24 weeks

For the passed 24 weeks we have been trying to get our minds and house ready for two little boys, we have been offered tons of support and now we Heavenly Father has a new plan for us. For the past few days I knew something wasn't right. I started contracting a lot on Monday pretty regularly but it didn't hurt. Tuesday night it was still continuing but now it was hurting a little. I checked myself in to Labor and Delivery and they checked an FFN, it was negative and then it was the search for the babies. They spent over an hour with the monitors trying to find both babies. They found one baby really easily and then continued to search for the other. Not really sure whether they got both on they called to see if they needed an ultrasound but settling for one on the monitor and one on doppler. (Not knowing that it was the same baby).

I was hoping I would never have to do a post about something like this. I have tried to stop crying but my eyes continue to leak. Yesterday Timmy and I had our 24 week appointment. I have been so excited for this moment, where our boys would be viable for life. Our doctor was out of town so we went to see Dr. Ott. The first thing they did was weigh me and then we waited for the ultrasound, We saw our happy baby B moving all around and his measurements were great. As he moved on to baby A he looked so squished in the corner you could hardly see his body at all just his sweet face. Dr. Ott could not find a heart beat.

He sent us over to MFM to see Dr. Jackson. I really liked him and he made me feel really comfortable with all that was going on. Explained a lot and listened. They looked at our baby A and nothing really looked wrong, he was measuring about 23 weeks and 3 days, my placenta looked good and there was still a good amount of fluid. They couldn't give me a reason our sweet baby boy didn't make it. With a singleton pregnancy at this time they would have sent us to labor and delivery to get induced at we would get to say goodbyes to this little guy. They looked at baby B very closely and measured everything there was to measure. His heart, brain, everything in his belly, Afi, hands, and feet. Everything looks great they see no reason why I shouldn't deliver him at full term, November 15. They measured my cervix and it was long at 3.23 cm and it was still closed. They want me to watch closely for the next few weeks to make sure my body doesn't try to deliver baby A.

One of the most difficult things was to tell our family. I am so happy that we have such a good support system and I have my husband here to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay, even though I see him hurting too. Coming home was hard, I already have two of most things. Two car seats that Timmy was so excited to install in the car; two cribs, and a double stroller.

Looking back now I realize that I haven't felt movement on the right side very often during my pregnancy. The very first ultrasound we had baby A was the crazy mover and ever since then it has been baby B that has been moving all around.

I don't know why this had to happen, I have run through my mind a million times over trying to think what I could have done differently or if they could have checked me more frequently. It is hard because I want to be happy knowing there is still a living baby inside, it is just weird because I don't really get to say goodbye to the other. It will be such a bitter sweet moment at delivery to have one alive and one passed away.

20 weeks

I am officially 20 weeks today, okay so I wrote this over a week ago. It has been so great watching my babies grow. I am getting big and I can feel them move a lot. I never know which baby it is. We had a scare last sunday and I found myself in Labor and Delivery with uterine irritability. Timmy is pretty sure that I was dehydrated so he was a good little daddy and bought me a BIG 100 oz mug from Maverik. Now anytime I go anywhere he asks me if he can fill it up. :) He is such a sweet husband he will be a great dad.

What I was the most nervous for was our big 20 week ultrasound. For some reason I get nervous before each appointment, I am not sure why I just want everything to be good. My grandma got to come to this ultrasound, she was so cute asking questions and getting so excited. They measured each little bug and baby A is 14 oz and measuring big at 21 weeks and baby B was measuring 11 oz and right on 19.5 weeks. Their brains are normal as well as their bellys, hearts and their femurs. My placentas look great and are away from my cervix, and my cervix is 3 cm long (which is right where it is suppose to be).

I am just starting to buy stuff for the nursery and in a month or so it will be finished and look so so good. Now we just need to find names. I know what I want to name them I just have to wait for the okay from Timmy.

The night after I wrote this Timmy got to feel the babies. We were so excited and I couldn't stop smiling. He loves to feel the babies move.

Early summer fun

It is time for my monthly post :). Things have been a little crazy around here. Lots of things have happened this month. At the beginning of the month I got to go to Provo to visit my best friend Brooke. She will be delivering in August and I knew we needed to get together before all these babies are born. We had so much fun, we talked a lot, and shopped a lot and even got  to go and watch What to expect. This was a funny movie, either because I am pregnant or because I work in Womens and Childrens. This picture is of Amberli, me and Brooke. We were so lucky to all get together for lunch, it is always good to see good friends when you haven't seen them in a while.

Look how funny we are all pregnant there will be one born in Aug (Brookes), Sep (Amberli's) and my babies probably in Oct. They are both having girls, so maybe my boys will have someone to date :)

All I have to say is I am definitely not the lady carrying the twins; I am a little of all of them. I have had my distress with trying for years, being on infertility treatments, and IVF. We have even thought about adopting. When I first got pregnant I thought I would love every second of my "new body" and would feel so good. Turns out that is not me, of course it could all be worse. I have been so lucky to get pregnant the first time with IVF and not be to terribly sick, I have had a few complications but over all things are great!! I love that my belly is getting bigger, and I love that I can feel these boys move, I cannot wait until my honey can feel these guys, it has made everything so real to me. For the longest time my pregnancy has not really seemed real. Now it is :)

Anyway back to visiting Brooke, basically the whole time we were talking about nurseries. Brooke is going to hers with grey furniture and purple and green fabric. Mine is going to be old school boy colors; green, blue, orange and grey, and the furniture is a pecan color.

The other thing that was exciting this month was Timmy's family reunion. It was fun seeing all the Key family again. I enjoy his dads family, we had lots of jokes and kareoke, we even went swimming at the city pool. Hopefully in the next month or so we will be going to California to the ranch for the grand opening.

2nd Trimester

Now that the 1st trimester is over, life is getting a little easier. I am not so sick and I have a little more energy. It is crazy how much life these babies suck out of me. There are so many fun things about being pregnant, here is my list.

• My boobs are getting bigger
• My belly is getting bigger
• I like knowing that I am growing two little bodies inside of me
• I finally got to buy one of those baby name book

Okay so there really aren't that many good things there are a lot more bad

• Asthma and allergies are increased
• I am so tired 
• My schedule is terrible, well I am much much lazier, and can't seem to get motivated
• All the weird crampy feelings you get; everywhere including your vagina
• My eye sight is changing
• My back hurts so bad, it keeps me up at night and hurts through-out the day
• I have zits, but even worse than when I was a teenager
• I am harry; hair grows in the weirdest spots; my belly and neck are just a few (don't worry I am just going to start waxing my whole body.)

I am lucky though a lot of things that happen to ladies that are pregnant have not happened to me. I have never been constipated, I don't have heart burn, and I have only thrown up 4 times (two of those times were just because I was coughing too much.) The weird thing is that I haven't had any cravings, mostly everything just looks gross; and you know how I used to be a treat queen well nothing sweet taste good to me now. Here are some things that do taste good.

• liquid cheese
• mexican food
• welchs raspberry and lime sparkling drink
• snow cones

I am still scared though I have a long time left and so much can happen until delivery. I hear all these things like oh I was pregnant with twins and then lost one at 17 weeks, or whatever. I would hate for something like that to happen. We are so excited though we get to find out in one week what they are. Neither one of us have any idea, and forget my maternal instinct I thought there was only one. Timmy really wants a boy and a girl but I don't really care. I would like that though just in case for some reason we can't do this again.

Every week Timmy has been so so excited to take pictures of me and he told his school on his list of things he is excited for this summer is to watch his wife get fat. He has been the cutest husband, he has never once told me I look fat, or am lazy because the house isn't clean or mad I didn't make dinner. He has just been trying to take care of me. I am so excited that Timmy and I have been able to go through all of this together. Surgery, all the medications, hormones, emotional ups and downs. He is going to be a great daddy!

Pregnant at 6 weeks and 4 days.

Each day I am pregnant is a blessing. I should have posted sooner but the passed month has been just a little stressful and very hopeful. After my three days of bed-rest I was able to go back to work. I worked the Friday and Saturday after the transfer but was still very achy and bloated. I had an appointment to get my first beta-hcg drawn on Tuesday and had this great idea that I would take a pregnancy test the day before. That was a very very bad idea. It was negative. I was so crushed. I texted my doctor and he said that it might not be accurate because it could be too early. I cried and cried and prayed until Timmy came home and he held me. I went in the next day and I was shaking all the way there and then I started crying after the blood draw. Dr. Chalmers called me an hour later to let me know that it was 71. Yeah!! I was pregnant 3 weeks and 1 day. Two days later I was able to get my beta-hcg drawn for the second time. It was 200. Dr. Chalmers just texted me this time letting me know he would like to get an ultrasound as soon as possible. Timmy and I went on a cruise the next week which was very needed. We both were able to relax and have a great time.

We got back on the 18th and the next day would be our first ultrasound. I would be 5 weeks and 4 days. Dr C asked me if I thought there were one or two sacs. I said one because the hcg levels were not too high, and I just had a feeling. Well I was wrong there were two little sacs with all their parts. He was a little worried about one of them because it was small but he was impressed about the way they looked. He said he wouldn't consider it twins because they did not have heart beats yet, and I had the possibility of vanishing twin. 

My next ultrasound would not be until the 30th of March but when I woke up this morning I was spotting. I was so worried, but had a feeling that everything would be okay. I called Dr. C and was able to get in at 11:00. We had two heart beats and everything looked perfect. I was sad Timmy was not able to come to this appointment, but I knew I had to go in to make sure everything was okay. The small one that he was worried about was just about the same size as the other. The one on the right had a heart rate of 113, and the one on the left had a heart rate of 125. He said as they get older and bigger their heart-rates will get stronger and faster. Timmy and I are both very excited and nervous. Each day is a blessing and I pray constantly that everything will work and I will get two healthy babies. There is still an 18% chance that we could miscarry, and that makes me nervous but each day I am a little more excited. I pray that everything will turn out.